Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Marriage Advice from a Crusty Sergeant

I congratulated a young Airman of mine the other day on her wedding engagement.  We talked about the difficulties married military couples face.  The divorce rate in the military is almost double that of the civilian sector.  One source of stress is the frequent moves.  The average military couple moves 8.6 times over a 20 year career.  I told her that my wife and I have moved 9 times in our marriage.  Military couples also often marry young.  I told her that my wife and I married when we were both 19 years old.  Upon hearing that I had been married 17 years, she asked me if I had any advice.  I told her it had a lot to do with our learning how to resolve conflict, lessons painstakingly learned together over the years.  Here are a few of the things I told her.  

Don’t Hold Back
At the beginning of a marriage you both want to be really nice to one another.  I myself would often hold back my thoughts and feelings when I was upset.  That can only go on for so long before you eventually blow up.  Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”  Be upfront and honest with your spouse when something is concerning or upsetting you.  

Seek Good Counsel
Eventually you are going to get into an argument.  When, not if, that happens, you may need to seek advice outside the marriage.  Be careful who that counsel comes from.  Your “best friend” may not be it (if this is really the case, you probably just need a new “best friend”).  I have seen too many marriages struggle or collapse because of bad counsel from family or friends that really did not have the best interest of the marriage at heart.  Proverbs abounds in the importance of surrounding yourself with wise counselors.  Seek them out and identify them now before you need them.  

Listen to The Meltdowns
Hear your spouse out.  I came home from work one day and my wife was unexpectedly very upset with me.  I could have said, “I’ll talk to you later when you’re not acting so crazy.”  Instead, I got out a piece of paper and pen and said, “OK, fair enough.  Let’s see what I can do to make things better.  I’ll write down a list of things I can improve on.”  She then broke down in tears and said, “I think I’m pregnant.”  Was she acting emotional?  You bet.  However, all she needed from me was to show that I cared and was willing to listen to her.  Proverbs 18:13 advises us that “if one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”  

Forgive and Forget
This Airman also happened to be a Christian.  I told her to ensure that they keep Christ at the center of their marriage.  I did not become a Christian until the third year of our marriage.  Our second year was really tough and we almost got a divorce.  I learned my need for forgiveness and how to forgive others.  In marriage, there will be a lot of forgiveness going on; both parties are sinners after all.  When you forgive your spouse, you cannot bring up their sin again.  That is what I mean by “forget it.”  Sin cannot be forgot as in you will never think of it again.  You can, however, forget it by not harboring continued resentment or by bringing it up in unrelated arguments later on.  

There was only so much advice that I could give in a short conversation.  This Airman, however, has a good head on her shoulders and I think she will help improve the poor marriage statistics our generation faces.   

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