Finding the Good in a Catastrophe

In Patrick O’Brien’s Napoleonic era, historical fiction naval series, Captain Jack Aubrey begins most missions with a mixed crew; veteran seamen, land lubbers, convicts, foreign seamen pressed into service.  Strife is the norm.  In each case Captain Aubrey confides to the ship’s doctor and close friend, Stephen Marturin, how he longs for a life-threatening storm or battle to occur.  This inevitably happens, drawing the crew close together and in turn begin performing to Captain Aubrey’s famed standard of proficiency; no more than one minute twenty seconds between broadsides.  The external threat of a great storm or foe forces the mixed crew to forget their petty differences and instead focus on their common concern.

My favorite type of board games are of the cooperative variety rather than the “every man for himself.”  A great example of this is Forbidden Island, which requires all of the players to work together in order to escape from a sinking island.  Dungeons and Dragons could be another example of this style.  The players quickly realize, some faster than others, that they need one another if they are to survive the threat.  The players become imminently aware of their own vulnerability, cured only by relying on one another.  I have noticed a greater sense of bonding and camaraderie among the players walking away from these types of games.

Natural disasters in real-life are world shattering.  Nobody wants them.  Yet, they do have an amazing way of fostering solidarity among humans.  The trivial matters that divide us take a back seat when we are faced with a common, external threat.  It is in these moments, working together, that humans are able to perform impressive feats.  We become aware, if only briefly, what we can accomplish together as a species.  Therein lies the problem, however; we are forgetful.  While catastrophes fortunately are temporary, so also is the boost to our collective good will and ingenuity.  We forget and soon again focus on the trivial trial one foot before us.  It is in this context that I say, thank goodness for the next catastrophe, because I like the thought of firing three broadsides in under two and a half minutes.  Don’t you?

Awkward for One, Awkward for All

Social etiquette requires that we, if at all possible, not make others around us uncomfortable.  We have all experienced it; the collective, uncomfortable silence.  “Somebody say something,” we think to ourselves.  I was once at a social gathering where my host commented that although she was already my wife’s Facebook “Friend,” she would not “Friend” me because “that would just be weird because you’re a married man.”  I thought, “Yes.  That is weird...now...because you’ve just made it awkward for everybody listening.”  I do understand that for some people social media can mean nefarious business.  One does not need to be Facebook “Friends,” however, to engage in such activity as even the messaging capability is available to everyone, “Friend” or not.  Regardless, this person felt awkward with the concept.  I can comprehend that.  However, she made her awkwardness everyone’s awkwardness as thoughts of infidelity spread throughout the room.  I call this the “Awkward for One, Awkward for All” scenario.

A mother is nursing her infant in public...with her breast!  This may be an awkward situation for some, especially Americans, even if the woman is covered.   When I was stationed in Europe, I often witnessed women breastfeeding their baby uncovered.  At first I was uncomfortable.  I grew up in the U.S. where women rarely breastfed and when they did they were most certainly covered.  Rather than make my discomfort everyone’s discomfort, I took my cue from the Europeans around me who did not make a scene of it.  Today, I am fine being around a woman breastfeeding, covered or uncovered, but I know not all are.  In fact, some may not only feel awkward about public breastfeeding but may actually be against it.  They may even make passive aggressive comments about it.  Their discomfort becomes everyone’s discomfort, and that is poor social etiquette.

This post itself may have made you feel uncomfortable but what did you expect on Hardly Tolerable?

Does a Name Prefix Matter?

Every child enjoys receiving mail addressed to them personally.  I enjoyed receiving birthday cards from my great-grandmother more than anyone else as the envelopes were always addressed to “Master Kevin Reed.”  At first I was confused and my mother explained to me that “Master” was the proper title for a boy and that upon becoming a man I would be addressed as “Mr.” I then learned that young girls were addressed as “Miss,” unmarried women as “Ms.” and married women as “Mrs.” In this light, I found that the title “Master” made me feel significant.  I knew that while only a young boy, society was already acknowledging me and my place in it.

Today it is common for unmarried and married women alike to be addressed as “Ms.” In many situations one may not know if a woman is married or not and so it is believed safer to address a woman simply as “Ms.” However, I recently received a letter addressed to “Mr. and Ms.” Clearly in context of the correspondence the “Ms.” was really a “Mrs.” Was it a typo?  Not likely.  My experience has witnessed that many professional women today prefer to be addressed as “Ms.” Just as I understood as a young boy; a title reflects how society acknowledges a woman and her place in it.  The title “Mrs.” can be seen as too submissive to her husband, an irreconcilable trait for today’s professional woman seeking to be taken as an equal among male co-workers.  It is not enough that a married woman reject her husband’s surname, for a maiden name could also be mistaken for her husband's surname, and that just wont do.

If this sounds like a lament for the loss of the title “Mrs.” among married women of my time, it is true.  Hold the accusations of “misogynist,” however.  Remember that a title is how society acknowledges you and your place in it.  Women in my time have adopted the title “Ms.” because men have not treated them well in decades past, most specifically in the professional environment.  I regret the loss of the title “Mrs.” not only because the married association in the title of a woman is gone, but because it reminds me of why it has been dropped in the first place.