Pipe Smoking and the Doctor Visit

Six months ago I discovered the joy of pipe smoking, a leisure activity I occasionally indulge in.  Contrary to American suburban life in the twenty first century, the pipe smoking ritual is a slow one.  I often smoke alone, but enjoy the thought provoking company of other pipe smokers.  I smoke on my back deck, not just out of consideration for my family but because the view and weather in Colorado is great.  With my pipe in hand I entertain my thoughts uninterrupted to the pleasant aroma of pipe tobacco.

 

It used to be an annual requirement to meet with my doctor in the military.  Due to recent cost cuts, I have not seen a doctor in a few years.  Instead, I meet with an 18 year old airman who takes my blood pressure, height and weight, and then asks me a series of questions relating to eating habits, frequency of drinking and smoking, mental health, sleeping habits etc.  During my recent meeting, the airman asked me if I used tobacco products, to which I almost replied with a “no” out of habit.  I affirmed that I started smoking six months ago. 

“Cigarette, pipe, or smokeless tobacco?” asked the monotone airman, his back to me and face glued to the computer screen.

“Pipe,” I responded, perhaps with a hint of pride.  The airman glanced over his shoulder at me, raised a classic Spock eyebrow, and then returned to typing.

 

“How many times a day do you smoke?” asked the airman, returning to his zombie like state of data entry.

 

“I don’t smoke daily,” I replied a bit too defensively, “just on weekends.”  The airman continued to click the data away into the electronic medical archive, where it will remain hidden until reluctantly discovered by a future, equally disinterested VA employee.

“Have you made plans to quit?” the airman asked, not out of genuine concern but because he had come to his final required question. 

“Why would I do that?” I asked, unable to control a laugh.  “I just started!”