Marriage Advice from a Crusty Sergeant

I congratulated a young Airman of mine the other day on her wedding engagement.  We talked about the difficulties married military couples face.  The divorce rate in the military is almost double that of the civilian sector.  One source of stress is the frequent moves.  The average military couple moves 8.6 times over a 20 year career.  I told her that my wife and I have moved 9 times in our marriage.  Military couples also often marry young.  I told her that my wife and I married when we were both 19 years old.  Upon hearing that I had been married 17 years, she asked me if I had any advice.  I told her it had a lot to do with our learning how to resolve conflict, lessons painstakingly learned together over the years.  Here are a few of the things I told her.  

Don’t Hold Back

At the beginning of a marriage you both want to be really nice to one another.  I myself would often hold back my thoughts and feelings when I was upset.  That can only go on for so long before you eventually blow up.  Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”  Be upfront and honest with your spouse when something is concerning or upsetting you.  

Seek Good Counsel

Eventually you are going to get into an argument.  When, not if, that happens, you may need to seek advice outside the marriage.  Be careful who that counsel comes from.  Your “best friend” may not be it (if this is really the case, you probably just need a new “best friend”).  I have seen too many marriages struggle or collapse because of bad counsel from family or friends that really did not have the best interest of the marriage at heart.  Proverbs abounds in the importance of surrounding yourself with wise counselors.  Seek them out and identify them now before you need them.  

Listen to The Meltdowns

Hear your spouse out.  I came home from work one day and my wife was unexpectedly very upset with me.  I could have said, “I’ll talk to you later when you’re not acting so crazy.”  Instead, I got out a piece of paper and pen and said, “OK, fair enough.  Let’s see what I can do to make things better.  I’ll write down a list of things I can improve on.”  She then broke down in tears and said, “I think I’m pregnant.”  Was she acting emotional?  You bet.  However, all she needed from me was to show that I cared and was willing to listen to her.  Proverbs 18:13 advises us that “if one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”  

Forgive and Forget

This Airman also happened to be a Christian.  I told her to ensure that they keep Christ at the center of their marriage.  I did not become a Christian until the third year of our marriage.  Our second year was really tough and we almost got a divorce.  I learned my need for forgiveness and how to forgive others.  In marriage, there will be a lot of forgiveness going on; both parties are sinners after all.  When you forgive your spouse, you cannot bring up their sin again.  That is what I mean by “forget it.”  Sin cannot be forgot as in you will never think of it again.  You can, however, forget it by not harboring continued resentment or by bringing it up in unrelated arguments later on.  

There was only so much advice that I could give in a short conversation.  This Airman, however, has a good head on her shoulders and I think she will help improve the poor marriage statistics our generation faces.   

“The Moment”: Our Yearning to Be a Hero

We cannot help but be inspired when we hear of the heroic deeds of others.  We feel ourselves swell with pride as we imagine ourselves taking the same action in such a situation.  The problem is day-to-day life is actually rather boring and mundane.   We wonder when “the moment” may come when we can prove to ourselves and to others that we can be heroes, too.

In the meantime, we wait for “the moment” to show our quality, fantasizing about scenarios where we will reveal our heroic selves.  Here are a few possible scenarios.

“The Gunslinger” Scenario

He is always carrying a sidearm.  Everywhere.  Why?  Because he has been waiting for and expecting “the moment” to happen at any moment, hopefully in public.  An active shooter.  A robber.  The exact means does not matter as long as he is able to finally use his weapon to put the bad guy down.  He does not consider the possibility that he may actually make such a situation worse.  Any why should he?  He has gone over the scenario in his mind many times and it will go perfectly.

“The Prepper” Scenario

I met a man in the military once that had a job that would not technically start until the nuclear apocalypse had started.  Not until after nuclear weapons were in the air would his job begin, which would consist of keeping the government running in a post-nuclear holocaust world.  Problem was, it had not happened yet.  He had been training and prepping for years for this nightmare event.  When I asked him how he felt about his job, his reply was “Sometimes I feel it would be nice to see the fruit of my labor.”  He felt his work went unnoticed.  I explained to him that his state of readiness is a deterrent for the enemy, which hopefully will prevent a nuclear holocaust from happening.  He did not seem convinced.  He was still looking forward to “the moment.”

“Your Crisis is my Crisis” Scenario

You would think that it was his own wife or child that was in jeopardy.  He has spread the news of the tragedy far and wide under the guise of caring for the victim.  He talks an awful lot about how devastated he is.  One would think that the event had actually happened to him.  “The moment” has come, he believes, but all he has really done is hijack the attention of someone else’s “moment.”

“I’m Offended for You” Scenario

He has played the scenario out over and over in his head.  He has his pet peeve, and boy, when someone in public offends another, he is going to make his pet peeve known.  When “the moment” comes one would think that he personally had been offended, but he really is just offended for the victim.  He makes a big scene about it publicly and those witnessing the event walk away confused as to who the real victim was.  

A common theme in the above scenarios is that not only are they looking for “the moment,” they also seek recognition in it.  They also fabricate the moment.  “The real moment” is a real trial, however.  The heroes in all the stories worth emulating do not want or seek out “the moment,” but rather endure and overcome the trial because they must.  When the moment really comes for us, it will come unlooked for.  No, far from looking for it, we will want nothing to do with it. Consider Frodo and Sam in The Lord of the Rings, for example.

As great of a story The Lord of the Rings is, we do not need to look to fiction for real examples of heroes. Look at the greatest hero of all time; Jesus Christ.  Even our Lord in “the real moment” said, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  Should our real moment ever come, despite how much we will want to run, may we stand our ground.  

Cause of the American Civil War

“The American Civil War was over slavery!”  “No, it was over states’ rights!”  Back and forth the two sides go, on and on.  The American Civil war was actually over both issues.  To help explain how this can be, I will use an analogy I once heard used by Dr. R.C. Sproul in his explanation for the cause of the Protestant Reformation.  

“Frequently the Reformation is described as a movement that revolved around two pivotal issues.  The socalled ‘material’ cause was the debate over sola fide (“justification by faith alone”).  The ‘formal’ cause was the issue of sola Scriptura, that the Bible and the Bible alone has the authority to bind the conscience of the believer.”

The formal cause of the Civil War was over the issue of secession.  The United States (U.S.) did not invade the Confederate States (C.S) because the latter was pro-slavery.  The U.S. invaded the C.S. because the latter had seceded from the former’s union.  Some may interject here that the C.S. started the war when it attacked U.S. property, e.g. Fort Sumter, that fell within the new borders of the C.S.  This is a mute point as the mere act of secession already made claim to such property. (The picture to the right shows Fort Sumter flying a Confederate Flag in 1861.)

The material cause of the Civil War was over the issue of slavery.  The material cause of an issue is easier to discern when one asks the question, “Why was the formal cause an issue to begin with?”  In the Protestant Reformation, the formal issue (is a believer’s conscience bound by the Bible alone or by both the Bible and Church dogma) was only an issue because of the material cause (is a believer justified by their faith alone or by their faith and their works).  Those that believed one is justified by faith alone did so on the grounds that they believed one’s conscience is bound by the Bible alone.  In like manner, the formal cause of the Civil War (secession) was only an issue because of the material cause (slavery).

Take the American Revolutionary War (ARW) as another example.  The formal cause of the ARW was also the issue of secession.  Great Britain did not invade the British-American colonies because the latter refused to pay taxes, i.e. “no taxation without representation”. Great Britain invaded the British-American colonies because the latter rejected the former’s union.  This formal cause (secession), however, was only an issue because of the material cause (refusal to pay taxes), taxes which were levied, mind you, to pay a down the debt incurred when Great Britain defended the British-American colonists from French aggression during the Seven Years’ War.  In addition to these taxes, the colonists’ infamous smuggling practices were also finally put to a stop in order to drive goods away from the black market where it could be properly taxed.  Interesting how when a people’s money is put at risk, whether it be stopping slavery, smuggling, or tax evasion, those people have a tendency to rebel.  But perhaps that is a topic for another blog.